Plan B is the new Plan A
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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