I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
My first STD was from a foam party
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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