It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
there's paper in my vomit.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
