Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
