It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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