If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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