Need sex. Gaining weight.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
why is half of my head shaved?
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