I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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