she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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