Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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