There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
