sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
And then my night got REAL pukey
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
