our cab driver is having phone sex.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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