Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
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