No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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