The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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