That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I am spending my child support on dildos
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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