we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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