The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
