She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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