We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
