So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Two words: nipple clamps
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