How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Randomize
