I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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