Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
