Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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