my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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