FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
