I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
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