I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
