I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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