I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
zippers are such a cool invention
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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