I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
