you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
