To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
