I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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