I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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