I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
