Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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