Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
