if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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