If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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