im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
