coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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