My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
