Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
So vagazzling was a success
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
