M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
