You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
We left an ass print on the piano.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize