I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
