Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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