I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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