You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Church boner. Awkwardddd
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
