OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Randomize
