I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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