Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
