I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize