In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
