Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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