the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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