i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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