my sisters under your porch take her home
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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