shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
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